The word, “connection” is a really subjective term with lots of meanings. What I mean by connection may differ from what you mean, and what we each mean now may change in different circumstances. 

It reminds me a little of the definition of “sobriety” in recovery circles. For some, abstinence alone equals sobriety. For others it means only total abstinence from all addictive supply (no cigarettes, no sugar, no sex). It could mean persistently working a recovery program, even if it includes lots of recidivism… Words often mean many different things.

So this is one of those, “for me” opinions… (as is any of my opinions were universal…)

I find it hard to imagine any kind of sex working without some sense of connecting, at the very least with one’s own body. I often say that sex is fundamentally about connection, that it’s almost as important a reason for humans to have sex as procreation. That’s certainly a big piece of the motivation for non-procreative activities like gay sex or masturbation.

I often associate a sense of connection with one of focus and presence. I approach sex this way (and this is a sex blog, after all) and always do my best to pay close attention, either to the specific body part I am involved with or my thoughts and sensations associated with the moment.  I “connect” when I’m not distracted, and when I’m both willing and compelled to experience a moment.

There’s an expression, “being in one’s head,” that I think generally means over-thinking and being distracted by internal monologues. I need to be in my mind without getting carried away by thinking in order to connect, either with myself or the natural world or an idea oran experience or a person or a group of people.

In a JO club there’s a temptation to be carried away by the presence of so many men experiencing intense sexual pleasure in the same place at the same time. There may be a temptation at any point to just look away from what’s happening right in front of you and within you and instead just indulge in drinking in the parade of visual stimulation. It’s not a bad thing, but it can take one out of the moment and it can be a rich distraction from the immediacy of one’s own bodily experience. It’s a specific challenge…

I do believe that connection is, first and foremost, the responsibility of the one who wants to experience it. For me, the seed of connection is presence and it’s incredibly difficult in a culture of distraction and obsession to focus one’s mind to be present, but for me, it’s mainly a matter of starting from the simple decision that I will be present. If I’m all there, I find connection with myself in the moment and I’m more easily aware of the connections to be made around me.