Earlier this week, in reaction to a picture showing a man masturbating with a Fleshlight, someone wrote : “I’m sorry. But what’s wrong with fucking people???”. I already replied to this in the reblog’s thread, but I feel the need to talk about this further.
Not that I want to keep on castigating this particular guy (I think it would be disrespectful and unwarranted), but because I believe his reaction is symptomatic of an issue many guys have with masturbation and, in particular, what I’m going to call augmented masturbation (basically, masturbation using something more than the hand).
In the privacy of their own homes, most guys will admit (to themselves at least) that they masturbate. They have to : they demonstrate the truth of this fact to themselves twice a week on average (and in many case even more often). Yet, years of chastisement and scoffing obviously has taken its toll on many guys’ propinquity with their own sexuality. They have learned to be ashamed of it : male sexuality is sinful, dirty, filthy or stinky. Indeed, these are the adjectives you will often find equated or linked with an evocation of male sexual urges in the communal sphere. No wonder, then, that any attempt at meeting one’s need also gives rise to feelings of shame and even disgust. That is to be expected when one has been trained to believe that the only acceptable male behaviour is to fuck, everything else being an ugly failure.
The problem being, of course, that this assertion (fucking as being only acceptable male behaviour) is wrong. Even the most sexually active guy (in a way that’s in accordance to societal expectations) is never going to be active enough to fulfil his own sexual needs[1]. And most guys are respectful enough anyway (and have other obligations too) to refrain from fucking as much as they’d need, in order to quench their sexual appetite.[2] So the expectation that a man should only fuck, to the point of excluding any other sexual frolic, is doomed to failure.
But more than that : being forever sexually primed (see note [2]) means that an outlet is needed. Masturbation, as a matter of consequence, is an integral part of a normally constituted human male’s life. Masturbation, simply put, is the corollary of a man’s virility. If a man is fit enough to fuck, then he obviously needs to masturbates. In other words, a man masturbates because he’s sexually potent. It’s a demonstration that he is sexually fit.
This is not, obviously, how masturbation is usually explained to young people. And if it was, men would likely feel much less guilty for the time they set aside to masturbate.
Yet, everything would still not be all rosy and upbeat. Because if one can get to grips with the idea that masturbation can be normal, it is apparently much harder to accept that masturbation can also be pleasurable. Once again, a totally inadequate guilt rearing its ugly head, spoiling an innocent deed.
When bringing forward the idea that male masturbation can be pleasurable (past the expected basic orgasm and ejaculation) a lot of uneasiness surfaces. The suggestion of augmented masturbation techniques (such as edging or gooning) or tools[3] (such as dildos [Aneros] or sleeves [Fleshlight, Tenga Flip…]) is enough to create embarrassment and elicit dismissive comments such as the one stated in this text’s intro. As if masturbation could only be acceptable if utilitarian and (relatively) boring. As if such augmented masturbation could be so satisfying as to make a man uninterested in sex !
Absolutely not.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite. While great sex provides a fantastic feeling of relief and satisfaction, great sex also makes you want to have even more sex. Good sex doesn’t extinguish desire, it boosts it. And in case you forgot, masturbation is sex. Thus, augmented masturbation techniques, by exposing you to great pleasurable sexual stimulation, both increase your sexual satisfaction and make you even more sexually alive. In case of doubt, read comments made by edgers or users of sex tools and you’ll see that, as a rule, they are far from being sexually doused. To the contrary. To be honest, the only downside to augmented masturbation is that it won’t make you settle for stale and meaningless partnered sex anymore. But you will never turn away from good partnered sex because of this. No one has. Masturbation isn’t a substitute for penetrative sex.[4]
Augmented masturbation techniques help us tune into our penis, connect with our penis, and nurture the pleasure we get from our sex. As they breed pleasure without a story line, they help us connect to our bodily needs, without filters or screens to hide our needs from view. Augmented masturbation techniques help us get in touch with our sexuality and increase our sexual happiness.
Despite all the negative undertones given to masturbation as a whole and to solitary pleasure in particular, the fact that a man masturbates is a demonstration of his sexual readiness and fitness. Moreover the fact that a man takes the time to connect to his sexuality through edging and masturbation-enhancing tools simply means that he’s making the most out of his sexual abilities. Fucking a Fleshlight, for instance, won’t bore him from partnered sex : to the contrary, it kindles his fondness for it.
Masturbation in general, and augmented masturbation techniques[5] in particular, are good for you. They are non-toxic, non-addictive, unobjectionable, wholesome and certainly pleasurable. Stop shrugging them off.
[1] Unless you have a harem, I guess, but that isn’t a socially acceptable solution nowadays either.
[2] It should be noted that sexual drive of males (of any species) has to be much higher than that of females in order to ensure the availability of semen whenever the female is in oestrus. Hence, unless a male is servicing many females.
[3] I refer to them as tools rather than toys, as I find the latter a bit dismissive. Besides, we guys, love playing with tools !
[4] Penetrative sex isn’t a substitute for masturbation either.
[5] Once again : edging, gooning and the various masturbation enhancing tools.
This is almost a rant… and one I absolutely can get behind.