As far as I am concerned, partnered sex and masturbation are complementary. In my view, both are not irreconcilable and certainly not in competition with one another.
I need partnered sex for the shared emotions, the bonding, and obviously also for the joy of fucking. This said, when I have sex with another guy (or gal), I tend to focus on my partner’s feelings and to forget my own needs and those needs of mine tend to be less fulfilled in the end. I am aware and readily admit that this is a hurdle for me to work on, and that I should allow myself to be cared for as much as I care for others. Yet, it still affects my overall satisfaction when having partnered sex. (Although the issue is less blatant when I have sex with a guy or gal who’s also not too self-centred [which is the case with my current boyfriend].)
It is not enough to deter me from partnered sex (far from it), as there are many things that I find in partnered sex that I don’t get from solo sex. However, total and deep physical relief is not part of that package. There are even some aspects of psychological relief I don’t get with partnered sex (although it does bring some relief of its own). Anyway, for all those things that partnered sex doesn’t provide me, masturbation does.
I need solo sex for the emotional and physical intensity (I acknowledge that I am in need of a lot). The utilitarian quickie excluded, masturbation provides the potency and completeness that I am in need of. Through my hands, my lubes, my toys, masturbation coasts me on the edge for as long as I need, makes me moan like crazy for as much as I need, provides the kind of stimulation that I need in real time, making me intensely happy. Solo sex gives me the strongest pleasure, leading to full ball-draining ejaculations… if and when I decide to (maybe after a few days, maybe the next time I have sex with my boyfriend, maybe an hour later). I definitely need this solo time.
For me, masturbation is as an essential dimension and expression of my sexuality. Certainly as much as partnered sex.
This entry reflects my own experience as closely as anything I’ve read before.
In my years of communicating with men about jack-off clubs, I am repeatedly impressed by the tendency to see masturbation and partner sex as a zero-sum, binary choice, as if we only get to have one or the other. I find that ludicrous on its face but it persists.
We are comprehensive sexual beings by nature, with the ability to connect with both others and ourselves through this intense, natural process of sexual activity. We can focus on ourselves or on others or on both and this is what we are evolved to do, plainly evident from the ubiquity of sex. We are masturbating and sucking and fucking all over the world like the horny, horny apes that we are.
It’s not a matter of either/or… Sex is all about “and.”