I love the reality of the visibly aroused man. For me, it is the one essential ingredient, the one non-negotiable element of my own sexual engagement. I am not going to have sex with myself or anyone else if I can not clearly and unquestionably perceive excitement.

And a boner isn’t enough for me. I’m a guy who witnesses and interacts with hundreds of erect penises every year and with the advent of boner pills, an erection alone doesn’t convey excitement, only a desire for desire and an overemphasis of the mechanics of sex.

In the beautiful GIF above, I see a man in an extreme state of arousal, not just because of the hard dick, but the pre-cum he plays with, the movement of his belly as he breathes, the ease of his reclining position and the open, relaxed mouth. This man is feeling his penis, is focused easily on his experience in the moment. He is clearly and frankly in a state of welcome and intense arousal.

And I respond in kind. Sitting here, alone in my home office with my husband sleeping in the bedroom, my mind and body react together with that first spark of delicious arousal. I look at this two-second moving image and I am there with him as I’ve been so many times, happily abiding in that softly buzzing state of penis engagement, dopamine seeping into my system making connections between neurons generating emanating pleasure through my being.

For me to enjoy sex with another man, I have to perceive that he is completely there, aroused and motivated to be in that space with me. It’s not about me per se, but about our mutual interest in that experience, right there in the moment.

The human sexual response cycle is a group of stages in a matrix that is, by definition, “sex.” In most models, “arousal” is the first stage and for me, it is The One True Sign that sex is happening—not just imminent, but actually happening. Real, immediate, honest, human arousal. It is the aphrodisiac I crave above all other triggers and without its presence in my playmates, I’m just not going to stay engaged.

Show me your excitement. Let me see it in your eyes, feel it emanating from your body and standing proudly between your legs. Embrace it and love it in that exact moment and share it with me. You show me your arousal and I’ll show you mine.

GIF by the delicious, juicy bear, Filmben.