A very brief screed. If you’re one of those guys who really likes the thought of other guys jacking off and you still want to call yourself “straight,” you’re probably not going to like it.

Sorry, but I want to be perfectly honest about this.

People are horny apes. All of us. Women, men… All a bunch of horny apes. And of all the apes, we are among the horniest. When this hyper-libido gets combined with the possession of a big brain, and a lot of delusional religious conditioning, we end up with situations like the following, with which I have grown far, far too familiar…

A guy considers himself straight, but he thinks a lot about jacking off with other dudes. Whenever he jacks off by himself, he imagines the hand wrapped around his cock belongs to some other guy. Maybe he imagines his workout partner, or his boss, or his cousin, or his uncle, or his sergeant or his priest… Whoever he imagines is stroking his dick is also someone who has a dick of his own.

Then, this straight guy “just happens” to be leafing through the classified section of a gay newspaper, or stumbles upon a web site, and finds out that there’s a jack-off club in his very own town!

The next thing, this straight guy shoots an email to the club’s published info address, asking for information, stating unambiguously that he is “interested” in the jack-off club, but is also very clear that he is straight, and doesn’t want to belong to a “gay” club.

… Because somehow, guys jacking off together isn’t gay …

I’ve started losing my patience with these guys. Not because I don’t believe a straight guy can enjoy jacking off with another man. I really believe that can and does happen.

But seeking out a jack-off club, going to the trouble to cover one’s tracks, to hide one’s involvement, just to be in a big room full of men, just men, all masturbating and watching each other stroke and moan and squirt together, totally getting into each other’s dicks and sharing sexual pleasure together… going to that level of trouble to do something that’s supposedly just a sidebar to one’s “actual” sexual nature… that just sounds delusional to me. Seriously delusional and seriously self-loathing.

And it’s one example of how we execute all manner of mental gymnastics to trick ourselves into thinking that the sex we want isn’t sex… just so we can have that sex that we want.

I have news for my curious friends: Butt-fucking is not the qualification for a gay card. Cock-sucking is not necessary to genuinely be gay or bi. What sets a man apart from those purely heterosexual men is his desire. It’s all about what he wants, regardless of whether he acts upon it or not. A gay man who never touches another man, is never naked with another man for his entire life… is just a gay man without a sex life. A bisexual man who only has sex with women is still bisexual.

It’s not the external activity that determines a person’s sexual orientation. It’s the internal drives that command his attention.

I’m all in favor of everyone getting to explore their sexual desires—short of hurting others, violating confidence or breaking local laws, of course—but please stop insisting you are 100% straight when you are trying very hard to jack off with other dudes! At the very least, refer to yourself as “curious.” Accept that! Let yourself be curious! Leave the door of your life’s possibilities open to self-discovery. If you’re really straight, you will ultimately feel indifferent about stroking another guy’s erect, pulsing penis.

But experience doesn’t change who you are in reality, only reveals who you are through the proof of your body’s affirmation or invalidation of your desire.

Stop chopping the universe of sex up into little bits and dividing them into sections… (These here are real sex, but these over here are just naughty and those are definitely not sex…)

You know sex because your cock gets hard or your pussy gets wet. Your nipples get stiff and your skin flushes. You breathe heavy, your brain starts pumping out chemicals that make you focused and aggressive and if you keep it up, you may have an orgasm… That includes masturbation alone, with a buddy, with a hundred buddies or with a woman. It includes getting a blow job in a steam room or under the covers from your wife or in a women’s room from a prostitute. It includes fucking a pussy, an ass, a couple of tits or a rubber doll…

It includes fucking the First Lady or getting a blow job from an intern…

Sex is something your body knows, understands and wants, regardless of how you deny it. Stop parsing it and just explore it like an adult, not a frightened kid. You will only learn more about yourself including what you really want, really like, really don’t want and really don’t like. You just grow up into who you really are.

And as many have said before me, it is ultimately just sex! It will keep taking up too much space in your life until you stop suppressing it. Whether you find out you’re really gay or have a touch of the bi or are really, completely straight, you emerge more complete, more who you really are and less a creature made out of bullshit, which is what all of my sad, closeted brothers are, when you get right down to it.

Sorry to rant…

(UPDATE)

I don’t really care how anyone identifies, unless that identification is contradicted by their stated intentions and manifest actions. Then, it’s just a bizarre circus of rationalizations and justifications to do what you want to do without knowing yourself. Straight guys absolutely get curious about sex with dudes on occasion, but straight guys do not pursue that curiosity with focused energy over and over and over… That’s a whole lot more than “curiosity” my friend. That’s an abiding desire for sex with dudes. That is what you call a “sexual orientation.”

You may not like “labels” for people, but calling a green plate a red cup and trying your damnedest to convince yourself and everyone else that that green plate is really a red cup… That’s denying the obvious and no argument is going to factually make that green plate anything other than what it is (and it’s not going to make it any easier to drink coffee out of). That’s not labeling. That’s seeing things as they are and making the best use of them.